Life as a first year student

Since September 2008 and up until Saturday 20th 2009, I can safely say my experience of the first year of university has been a tough, yet a gripping, even thrilling experience. The new experience of university was a tough one to grasp - the experience of being in a completely different place, a new house far from home, meeting lots of new people who it seemed impossible to relate to culturally and emotionally (I go to a very multicultural university, and on my course in fact, it is difficult to find people who are from England, this means that there can be a cultural clash when it comes to humour, differences in ideas and opinions etc. The asians tend to hang out with the asians, the black British people tend to hang out with other black British people, and often I wonder where that leaves me, since I am one of the few white British people on the course with very different ideas about things), the experience of a completely new course, and not to mention a much higher difficulty level. I was being thrown into the deep end with lots of new terms and posh words I'd never heard before since I had grown up in a very working class area to my working class mother (who is a cleaner). And the course was new to me since I'd never studied law before. Since I was a child, I wanted to study law - I remember thinking "people look up to lawyers, I want to be a lawyer!". It's not about the money. It's not about power. It's about being respected by everybody; feeling wanted and needed in society. Maybe that sounds shallow, or maybe it is a normal human need (or want). Whilst I do get respected by the outsider when they ask "what do you study?" and I say "law" and they look at me like 'wow! well done, you've done well for yourself!', however, within the huge machine that is law it is a different matter. Everyone is doing the same as me, striving for the same things and nobody is more important than the other. People see eachother as a threat. There is huge jealously over things like essay grades. One of the reasons people don't like me - and I have been told this by a girl on my course - is because in my seminars I participate maybe more than I should and this makes me appear like I think I am better than everyone else and that I even scare them with how motivated and focused on work I am. My best friend from secondary school no longer wishes to be a friend of mine because she says that since I have been at university I have changed; apparently I am now self-absorbed and all I ever talk about is work and that makes it difficult to have a conversation with me. It's like I'm not even me anymore sometimes. This machine I've entered myself into, at my own free-will, has changed me and I haven't even realised it. I've gone from this fun-loving, easy-going girl who loved to have a laugh with friends about silly things such as sex, and partying to somebody who works all the time, pays too much mind to essays and exams - more than is probably healthy, just so I can become a bigger part of the machine and be respected by outsiders. But at the end of the day, as a smaller part of this machine, I am virtually a nobody; I am just another one of the same, manufactured to perhaps, just maybe, become somebody big. I have often wondered, is it worth this? Will I get a good job? Will I be respected? Will I even have a social life or friends left? As it stands, most of my friends from home have gone astray and as explained, it has been hard to make friends at university - but the one true friend I have made, I am now in a relationship with - my Philip. Only he knows the real me and understands me - he knows the girl I used to be constantly, but also the hard-working side of me. We can have a laugh, joke and I can go back to how I used to be - that fun-loving, easy-going girl that I am.

But it isn't just the course which has changed me. Experiences since I have been here have changed the way I am. I have gone from extroverted, crazy girl to introverted, yet probably still quite crazy girl. Why, you may ask? From the first day here I found it tough moving in, getting to know people - I was really shy for the first real time in my life and I didn't get to know anybody except my housemates, and one guy from a few streets down - Simon. He was a clingy guy who just wouldn't leave me alone - again not helping my friendship situation as it was diffcult to move into different circles of friends. But one day he just ditched me/our friendship (long story, but it all amounts to him being an asshole and showing his true colours). This meant that I couldn't meet new people, but it also changed me for the worse because he treated me like shit and made me feel inadequate. This hurt me deeply inside and I became depressed, stressy, short-tempered and even more of a recluse than I was already since I started university. He also resulted in me cutting contact from most friends at home since he never gave me a chance to be alone so that I could catch up with them. As a result I was very lonely - this is how me and Philip (my boyfriend) started speaking more and eventually became best friends.

Another reason for my change is difficult, arrogant and nasty housemates. Tom was very untidy, always played his music loud on his crazy-huge speakers, and was nasty to me since week one - he is very arrogant; thinks he is better than everybody else, doesn't do anything when asked and very lazy. Lucy is able to control Tom and twist him around her little finger; he's like her lapdog. Lucy is obnoxious, two-faced and manipulative. She pretends like she does work around the house, but she did nothing. I did all the work out of necessity, and often wonder why I bothered now because it made me miserable. I was emptying rat and maggot infested bins regularly, hoovering regularly, cleaning toilets more than 3 times a week, cleaning the bathroom, and 2 weeks ago I cleaned the oven even though Tom caused all the mess (this task took 3 hours!). On the last day, Tom and Lucy decided to have fun by doing really nasty things such as talking about me when they thought I wasn't there saying things such as how much weight I'd put on and saying that I never stop eating [which is all because of the stress they, and this course has been causing me since day 1]. They also put curry powder in my hot chocolate AND Philips hot chocolate. Thankfully they have left now and I do not have to put up with the riduculous behaviour of these children- only problem is with calling them this, is that I don't want to give children a bad reputation.

Throughout the course I found time management very difficult because there was so much to keep on top of - many, many essays/assignments, 10 lectures a week, 4 seminars a week plus seminar preparation which took 2 hours for each seminar. As you can imagine, this stressed me out dearly! I finished my exams 2 weeks ago - which were hard because not only were they in extremely close proximity of each other (I had contract law one day, then the next day I had public law and then I had a days "break" (though I spent it all revising), then there was another exam), but I did not have very long to revise for them and so much to revise. But I am relieved that these exams are over, and that I am officially done for the first year. I just need to wait until 13th July to find out my results. You may be wondering, then, why I say between September 2008 and Saturday 20th 2009 - this is because I am remaining in my university accommodation until then. Luckily I have Philip to keep me company for the time being.

What have I learnt from this whole university experience? (1) Keep on top of work; only listen to necessary lectures, (2) ensure I leave plenty of time before the exams to revise - do not go off on holiday (I admit, I went on a 2 week holiday to Luxembourg just a few weeks before exams! Not a good idea) (3) try to remain on good terms with housemates but always be cautious with them - do not trust them (4) try harder to make friends and do not talk all the time with these new people about work; remember that there is more to life than work (5) remember to have a good time and relax occassionally (I have been doing that lately by taking a few trips to London, and thankfully I have a 4-month summer break to recover from the first years hustle and bustle before the next year starts) (6) keep on top of essays. I feel like I have learnt so much more than this, however, but the list would be very long and it is difficult to think because the experience has been so overwhelming and different.

You may be wondering why, since the university experience has been causing me so much stress, I decided to stay? The main reason for this is that I do not like to fail at things. I like to be sucessful, achieve my goals and show my family in particular that I can make it at university. I would have felt like a failure if I dropped out, and this is the main reason I stayed. But also I love the course and find law a very thrilling experience - even if it may be changing me. But I feel that experiences will change everyone, sometimes for good, sometimes for bad. But although I may be like marmite - some people love me, some people hate me - even since I started this course. And although it has changed me - I will just have to accept these changes, since to try and make myself different would be to become superficial. I also feel that my remaining friends and future friends will have to love me for who I am and respect me for who I am.

Next year I do think things will be different in my life, for the better. Because although the course may be harder, it might be interesting and it will be good to have a change in modules and these sound very interesting. Me and Philip are still going strong and things could be getting better for us - plus we won't be living together next year, so we get more free-space which could make our relationship even stronger. Also I am going to be living with much nicer people who want the same as me - a peaceful, clean and tidy house! Horray! Also, they are from my law course which could broaden my social life; I have the opportunity to become good friends with them, and perhaps meet some of their friends. I just need to ensure I remain in their good books and try not to argue wtih them.